Thursday, April 17, 2014

"How are you doing?"

  A lot of people ask me how the girls and I are doing. I am not sure if they really want to know or if they’re just making small talk. I can’t really sum it up in a short little sentence to say in passing to each inquiring mind.  “Ohheywearegoodbutbadbutaliveandprayerfulbutsadtoo.seeyaatlunch!”

I highly doubt they would like for me to lie on their couches and talk their ears off about the complexities of what is going on in my mind today. Unless he or she does that for a living. Then they want me to pay them $300 for an hour of lying on their couch talking about my feeeeeelings. “Don’t worry, your insurance will pay for some of that.” Nah, I’m good. I already joined a young widows group on The Facebook and what could be more legit than that?

So, in case you’re wondering for more than small talk’s sake, read on. I should insert a disclaimer here that I am still new to this particular brand of grief and most definitely not adequate enough to uncover for you more than just the tip of the glacier. There is so much more under the surface of the water. I try to remember that about all people. I would love to get into that chunk of ice with you, but you would fair about as well as the Titanic did and surely drown in my icy waters. So, like I said, just the tip (stop it, you know what I mean).

First, of all the comforts I have lost, my sense of humor isn't one. See above. If I can't laugh in life, there is no point in living. I found reasons to laugh on the day of Jason's funeral and I hope to do it on the day of my own. It may be inappropriate to some, but it reminds me that I am here and I promise Jason would be laughing at this stuff, too. Don't take yourself too seriously. Nobody makes it outta here alive.
Second, I am proud of myself. I have a choice to sink or swim. That is life, not just a poster in your high school locker room. It is real. Life is hard. We all have our anchors. And I get to choose. It is my humble opinion that this is the part of life so many people don't get. You get to CHOOSE some things. Not everything; I am more than aware of that. But you do get to choose if you want to give up and sink with the ship or if you want to pump your little out-of-shape arms and chubby legs for dear life and freaking swim. See what you're really made of! I am not giving up. I am swimming... with two babies on my back trying to drown me, God love 'em. But I am doing it today. For today, I choose to swim above the wreckage and not among it. (But check back with me in a week...)
What number am I on? Third, I am not giving up on LIFE! "Everybody dies, but not everybody lives." I want to live, not just breathe. If you knew Jason, you would know he lived his life turned up loud. When my mom died, I was just sad. It didn't make me want to go experience things or better myself or even move off the couch. It just made me sad. I don't know why. I'm not sure if it's because Jason was my equal and my partner, or because we have two kids who deserve a real mom and not a zombie, or that I have realized I really AM going to die and it will be soon in the grand scheme of things, but it has ignited in me a reason to LIVE. I know he would want me to. So, I'm working on that part. Working on myself and what I really want in LIFE. Ya only get one (so I'm told).

Fourth of all, God. He is the reason I can do this. My maker is very likely different from yours. And that is ok with me. But if you're wondering how I get up after 4 hours of sleep, shower, pack diaper bags and extra clothes for a toddler, take them and their entourage of crap to school everyday and pick it all up at the end of the day, wash all of said crap, work full time in a public service job, and raise two babies alone, and still manage to laugh at least once in a day (usually), it's because of God and the character he chose to carve into me. (And the fact that it has only been 2 months... check back in a week)
As for the girls, they are resilient and doing well. Other than Lila's frequent cries for daddy (stab me in the heart with a million knives), I feel like they are thriving like any toddler and infant would be and should be. I will continue to do anything I can for them to have the life they deserve. Even at the price of mommy's sanity. Seriously. And I'm not special for that. Any momma worth her salt would do the same. 

So, for those who care, that is how we are TODAY, but check back in a week.

1 comment:

  1. love you girls - sorry I laughed at the "just the tip lol)
    take it one day or one week at a time and that is okay. Remembering it is okay to feel mad, alone, scared, angry is the hardest.
    thinking of you. xoxo