I am coming up on 6 months into this new life. I've made it through Mother's Day, Father's Day, and a big holiday. I've also made it through my daughter's first birthday and countless dance lessons, doctor's appointments, dental visits, drop offs and pick ups at daycare, temper tantrums and laundry loads. But I still have some big ones to go. It's a journey, not a destination.
I have tried to embrace my widowhood and become friends with her. After all, she isn't leaving. Ever. She can be a real bitch. She can make me feel absolutely lost and stupid. Almost like a bully to an awkward little school girl with head gear and glasses. But some days, she allows me to see past what everyone else sees about her. She lets me see what a unique and profound friend she can be. She has taught me about myself. About my pain tolerance. About my independence. About my true abilities and even new and old desires and goals. She has made me a (ever so slightly) more patient person. She has made me see that damn "silver lining" everyone talks about. She has made me give more of myself to the ones I love.
(Photo by yourcandidmemories.com)
A lot of people have moved on past that initial shock and newness of what happened. I can't really blame people. They're just people. People get caught up in themselves. Life is hard like that. The offers to babysit disappear (with some exceptions of course! Thank you, Sarah & Emma!). People don't think to check on you as often. They may think you didn't like their check ins. Family and friends think you're tougher than you are. They don't realize you feel forgotten or angry about that. Everyone just wants you to be ok. And, honestly, they want you back to "normal". A lot of that help and understanding starts to taper off. People start calling the HOA on ya for not mowing your lawn often enough, as if learning to maintain your household alone, during a huge season of change in your life, alongside raising young children and working full time isn't a good enough excuse to put the grass on the back burner. (Can y'all tell I'm mad about that?)
But overall, we are doing ok. We are still here! My aunt is working on a quilt made of Jason's shirts. I see friends pretty regularly. The daycare is still very helpful to us. The girls laugh and smile daily. I laugh and smile daily. The girls cry daily, because they're babies! I don't cry every (single) day. And some days I do. I cannot allow myself to complain about my circumstance when there is still so much good about my life. I have a ton of people and things I care about in my life and I'm spending my time and efforts on them, while always thinking of, and honoring, my old life. As I always will.
I have some life "projects" and things that I'm working on right now; new things I am doing and planning to do. Some are really just old projects I'm picking back up. More on that later!
Until next time, here are some things we've been up to!
The girls over 4th of July holiday
Harper's 1st birthday
Me and Sara at an outdoor music event in Fort Worth
Sarah & Lila at Emma's birthday party
Me receiving an award at work
Lila's first dance class