Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Some Days...

  This is a whiney, self-indulgent, gonna-regret-it-later post. So, if you don't wish to read uninspiring complaining, click the back button now.

  Some days (like yesterday for me) just suck. That is the honest part of this. It's not all "prayers and accepting conversations with God" and rainbows and moving on, blah blah. There is no eloquent or masterful way to put it. Some days are served to me cold, angry and sad and confused with a little more anger, add a side of bitch-slap, with a sprinkling of salt in the wound, all stuffed with pain. And for dessert, some frozen anger-swirled despair. I could keep going... Some nights I cry it out, because all I can think about is how it is so unfair that MY husband had to die that night. That MY kids' father had to be stolen from them. I think all the time about how I wish so hard that Jason's absence was because he had just decided he didn't like me anymore and left me for some silly girl or something. I wish we had just gotten a divorce. I wish he had lied or cheated. Because then it would be HIS fault. And barring truck tons of illegal drug use, he would still be a dad to my girls. Then, I could appropriately hate him and know he wasn't the right person for me. But to know he wanted to be here and fought to live right for his family, it just eats away at my heart.
  It's been over 7 months now. Life keeps on moving. That's the truth. Time takes no prisoners. The girls are growing so much. I am growing, too. Not in the way anyone wants to grow, though. Forced mature growth through pain and suffering? No, don't put me down for that.
  I can't help but soak in how different things look to me now. I look at the people around me and how lucky they don't even know they are. I look at all the sheltered people who haven't experienced real loss or "hard knocks". And I envy them like I've never envied before! I used to think I was tough and so busy. I laugh at that now. But then again, I am sure that the victims of the war/ ISIS/ genocide in the Middle East laugh at me. We all got problems. 
 I know these are all character flaws in an imperfect human being that I am. But even knowing that, it has changed how I feel about people, places, and things. I feel it has changed my relationships with my friends and family around me. Some are worse for the wear. Some for the better. I can't expect them to understand and they can't expect me to be unchanged. 

Not all days feel this heavy. Today I'm better than I was yesterday. The wave of grief that drowned me yesterday has let up for today, I'm sure only to save its torture for another day when I've let my guard down... standing unsuspecting in the surf. Focused on other, brighter things. So I'll just wait... 

But in the meantime, I'll get stronger and better at weathering the storms. It can't rain forever. Most I've heard of to date is 40 days and 40 nights... 

The girls are great, though. I don't let them see "sad mommy". It's my #1 priority. They always come first. I would endure a million fiery deaths to save them from an ounce of pain. If you can't comprehend that, you're not a parent. I would even take another term of Obama in office. This is somehow his fault, right? (Oh, lighten up. It's a joke)

{Hugs}

{Ice cream sandwiches}

{Mandatory fussing}

{Tech girls}

{Lila turned 3!}

{Selfies}

{Before the ear tubes}

{Harper's favorite chair}

{Whaaaat?}

{Don't miss the Dance}





                 To brighter days,
                        Claire 






Saturday, September 20, 2014

New Life Projects- The Fitness Room

  On January 1 of this year, I made the same New Year's resolve I (and the rest of America) always do. To lose some weight while getting healthier. Jason decided to do it with me and we were just finally getting into the swing of our new lifestyle habits, and starting to see results, when he passed mid-February. The day before he died he had said that he was going to stick to it this time and I told him I would, too. He said he was feeling good and wanted to keep it up. We had each lost about 20 pounds as of that conversation. 
  In the weeks following his last night with us, I lost a little more weight, but not the healthy way. I was simply not able to eat. My best friend followed me around for days trying to trick me into eating meals. Slowly but surely, my appetite came back (like she always does. Bitch never stays gone long) and I have since resumed my old unhealthy eating habits, unfortunately.  
  So here we are, over 7 months later and I've counted nary a calorie, nor worked out (beyond parenting 2 young children, which IS its own kind of workout) since. Luckily, I haven't gained back those 20 pounds I lost at the beginning of the year. But I have a lot of work to do to even come close to my glory days of yesteryear. 
Being that I want to keep one of my last promises to Jason to be around for a long time for our girls, health & stamina is high on the priority list (oh and I want to look good. There's that, too). So, I decided to finally put my formal dining room to use. We have lived in our house for years and I still had not committed to any use of the front room. I don't need a home office because I have an office at work, and I already spend too many hours there. I don't need a playroom because we already use the study for that. I don't need a formal dining room because I don't do "formal". I eat off of plastic ware and paper plates. Seriously. So there it sat, empty and plain for years. We used it mainly as a parking garage for the girls' bikes and toy cars. 






See! Super boring. So it only made sense to turn it into a fitness room!! See where I'm going with this? A place with good energy where I would like to be. Something attached to my house, since getting to the gym isn't really an option for my lifestyle right now. Don't you dare challenge that last statement or you run the risk of a black eye! I work all day, then I have a few precious hours with my girls to feed and bathe them, before they go to bed. I have to do chores and maintain the house somewhere in my off hours and I cannot go to the gym while they are home sleep. But I'm no quitter. So I enlisted the help of some old friends to bring the gym to me. 
Being the blessed and lucky girl that I am, I have friends who have their very own design business! Behind The Curtains Design (www.behindthecurtainsdesign.com) came today and rocked my world. I want to thank them for giving me exactly what I wanted and for offering to make this happen. I pulled my treadmill, formerly known as coat rack, in from the garage and the rest was all the genius of Behind The Curtains Design. 
Look at this beauty, complete with yoga mats, a sleek glitter paint stripe, a freshly painted wall, framed workouts, a stocked mini-fridge, towels, scale, curtains, workout ball, a huge mirror to stare at myself and take selfies in, hand weights, kettle ball, and of course, some motivational pieces!





These pictures do not do this room justice. And I know that I would not have been able to make this room look so nice alone. I don't have designer bones in my body. Huge thanks to Sarah & Tailer! Truly, you ladies have big hearts and I'm glad to know you! 
I am so glad to finally have a use for this room and a new place to work on my next project- me! 


P.S. Lila was a huge help... Until she painted on the wrong wall! 


                    Love & glitter paint,
                           Claire