Thursday, January 22, 2015

Confession Time

  We are closing in on year #1 of my "new life".  I've had a lot of time to think. And I think it's time I confess something.  It won't make me look good. In fact, it will make me look like the opposite of what I have always wanted to be. I prided myself on being a "catch" in that I had my shit together and was smart, funny as HELL, and faithful. But in retrospect, I see that I was also often a naggy, whiny wife to Jason. I kept that man on his toes... but probably TOO much. Nobody wants to ALWAYS be on their toes. The stresses of money, a household, the loss of my mother, our full time jobs, and 2 children got to me (and him) and I took it out on him a lot of the time. I still expected him to be a romantic husband to me, with surprise notes, gifts, flowers and dates at our special restaurant. And he came through. He always showed up. I have all the dead roses and engraved Tiffany & Co. charm bracelet charms that I can possibly want. But now I feel I didn't match him as much as I should have. Sure, I was the responsible one who took care of the big things like phone calls to the mortgage company, protesting the proposed property taxes on our home, bills and budgets, doctor visit coordinating, etc. But, I also fussed when he wanted to go out with friends (because who wants to take care of the kids alone?), yet he never said a word if I did. I griped at him to do chores. I even made a chore chart. When did I become THAT annoying mommy who makes a chore chart??? Then I blamed him for making me be a person I didn't like because I felt the need to make a chore chart! I talked about money issues constantly, because I was the one who had to figure out who gets paid that month. I complained about his work hours when he was working retail (which I still hate and I stick by that complaint!).  But Jason didn't flinch. He wasn't scared of me. He got me those flowers, ran those errands, even went out and made more money, AND got a new job with regular hours. He treated me like a princess he wanted to care for. He delivered.
I regret I didn't let him take more naps or let him get stupid tattoos he wanted. I wish he had told me he wanted the new mountain bike he bought behind my back instead of hustling a way to get it without me knowing. I would have kicked.his.ass. for that. Like, filed divorce papers (it was a VERY expensive bike). But I didn't find out until he was gone. He never even got to ride it.
  Anyway, I guess the reason I am putting this in black and white and calling myself out is because I know I am not alone. I know there are so many wives reading this who do the SAME thing. Husbands, too! Because it is just human nature to fuss at the one who you love the most. You may even hear yourself doing it but you can't stop yourself. Because, dammit, you wanna be right. But I'm here to tell you, it's not worth it. Do not let the stresses of life affect you to the point that you feel you have to just get out of each other's way. Don't take life so seriously... It's not like you're gonna make it out alive.
I have a new perspective now and I am using my reflections to make myself into a better person to have on your team, to share life with, to JUST BE with. I have learned my lesson. No longer will I complain before I make attempts to fix things myself. I will be the woman I have wanted to be. I still want to be treated like the only girl in the world, but I will do the same in return for someone special, including my kids, friends and family. Don't get me wrong, Jason was far from mistreated, and we had a good and happy marriage. But there is always room for improvement, isn't there? And now I have all the time in the world to think of how I could have done certain things differently. 
So today I challenge you to examine yourself and make a list of the things you maybe aren't delivering in your relationship. Next, hide that list somewhere he/she won't ever find it. I'm not totally crazy, don't show your spouse/partner!! Too much ammo there. Then, work on it BY YOURSELF first. Rome wasn't built in a day. It won't happen overnight. But really examine your mindset and see what your part is. Be who you want to be with. Make this count. Go watch a sunset, because you never know when you'll be out of them.

                     Pull the stick out,

Proof I was the responsible one :)
      (A belt of beer)

     (Mooning his own driver)

     (Trying to drown our kid)

       (The secret bike)



  1. Thank you so much for sharing this. Raw and honest.

  2. Mine was a computer AND a secret new tv.

  3. Mine was a computer AND a secret new tv.